Monday, November 9, 2009

Chapter 42: Prince-less

Harley’s POV
I stood there watching Sidney collect his things and then hug me goodbye, wanting me to have time to think. He wanted me to think about a situation he wouldn’t even let me explain. God only knows what he thought Jason was to me.

I sat against the wall of the dresser, going over everything that had just happened in my head. I was so dumb, why did I have to tear away the only thing in my life that made sense. Fiona and the monsters were right; I brought everything upon myself, my dad’s death and now this? I really don’t know how I could do any worse.

I lifted my limp body from the ground and moved to the closet, shuffling through my underwear drawer until my hands hit a hard book. I lifted the white album into my arms and moved back to my old spot by the dresser. I undid the little white satin bow that held the album closed and opened to the first page, coming face to face to my whole world; my parents.

They were looking down at me wrapped up in a tiny fuzzy pink blanket, smiling. Smiling at me because they loved me and wanted me there. I flipped to the next page and felt a hot tear hit my cheek.

In the picture, I was wearing a black dress, holding onto my dad’s arm as we both said goodbye to my mother. She had been taken from us by cancer two days before this picture had been taken. It had been the start of my world crumbling down.

The next picture was of me on my seventh birthday, three years after my mother’s death, sitting next to dramatically dressed four year olds. Farah and Sofia, both trying to block me out of my own birthday picture at the garage.

I turned the page and grimaced at the event before me. Fiona, and her stupid $200,000 dollar wedding. My dad had to take out a second mortgage to afford that day. I flopped the page over and felt my breath catch in my throat; football.

My dad had been so proud; I was the starting quarter back for my team. It was the one of the two things I knew my dad and I would always have together. Football and the garage.

The rest of the book was empty. I flipped through the empty pages having a long awaited cry. I guess bad things happened in threes… well in this case fours.

I closed the book and carefully re-wrapped the tiny bow my mother had put on the book years before. I wiped the tears and made my way downstairs, grabbing my keys on the way out.

I took the familiar drive down to the west end of Pittsburgh, watching as small white picket fenced houses passed me by. I parked in a driveway that had seemed more foreign now that it had been four years and made my way to the door. I rung once and was met by Jason’s happy face. It dropped slightly when he saw my own but I shrugged it off.

“When do you leave?” I asked whispering, looking down at my shoes.

“Late Tonight” he said bringing my now sobbing body into his. We stood there for what felt like an hour. He kissed my head and pulled me away slightly. He searched my red eyes and smiled slightly.

“Before you leave, I want you to meet some people” he smiled again, however bigger this time. I stood at the doorframe and watched him disappear, and then he re-appeared again with two beautiful babies. One baby girl, and one baby boy. Twins.

“This is Lucas” he said looking to the beautiful baby boy. “And this….” He said kissing the gorgeous baby girls head, “…is Harley…” he smiled brightly as fresh tears sprung to my eyes. “Babies’ I want you to meet your aunty Har… when I’m gone, she can come and take my spot whenever you need her too, okay?” he said looking into their big curious eyes.

“Their perfect…” I whispered as little Harley reached for my hand. Jason moved back into the house, putting the babies back where they had been sleeping and walked me out to my car.

“Harley… can I tell you something?”

“Sure” I said leaning against my car, which had its top down, like always.

“Don’t waist your time in the past… what happened to your parents was not your fault… and if there has been anything I’ve learnt since being away is that… you can dwell on what has been or could have been, but live the life you are in, in that moment… and nothing more” I looked up and him and sighed, hugging him tightly again.

“Okay…” he kissed my forehead, then my cheek and opened the door for me. I smiled lightly at him one last time before driving out of the driveway and away from my rock. My Jason.


* * *


My natural alarm clock woke me up at quarter to five for my run. Since dating Sidney I had gotten into exercising more often. I didn’t usually run though, I tried to let Sidney have that time of the day to himself.

I pulled on Shorty-shorts and a sports bra and tank top along with my iPod. I put it on shuffle and walked out of the front door.

I nearly had a heart attack once I turned around and came face to face with a stranger, hanging around the front steps, in her own jogging clothes… making me look at myself and become extremely self conscious… why couldn’t I look like that when I went running.

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, but I was looking for Sidney? He told me to meet him here yesterday… we’re running partners now!” she enthused.

“I’m Lucy by the way” she offered looking at my confused face.

“Yea… he’s not home. Sorry” I said concentrating on the stone steps below me. She nodded saying something else and running her way out of the drive way and down the stairs.

I slumped down on the stairs. I knew Sidney loved me, but how was I supposed to compete with that? Most of the time I couldn’t mentally feel like I was enough for Sidney… but now, I for sure couldn’t compete physically.


* * *


I looked at my angry eyes in the mirror. After the little ‘run-in’ this morning with perfect Lucy, I found myself getting more and more angry. He was officially the biggest hypocrite I had ever met. He got mad about Jason, which he didn’t even let me explain… but he’s was allowed to have hot, Victoria’s Secret model looking running partners? I was a push over, I would be the first to admit it… but I could only be pushed so far.

I sat through the game, feeling my body’s metal and physical state towards Sidney change in those sixty minutes. It was one thing to know Sidney off the ice, but I still loved watching him play. It was addictive.

The game’s final buzzer went off and I knew I needed to talk to Sidney. Instead of airing our dirty laundry in front of his entire team, I opted to wait by his car in the lot outside.

An hour later I saw him approach the car. He shifted his weight back and forth on his feet as we both waited for something to happen.

“So… where’s Jason” Sidney said with more bitterness than necessary. I looked up at him, my blood boiling now causing my temper to return.

“In Iraq.”

I said flatly. Sidney’s head whipped up, as realization came over his features. He was opening his mouth to say something, probably to apologize but I cut him off.

“Listen Sidney, I understand that seeing this whole thing with Jason must have been hard… but that doesn’t excuse the fact that you didn’t once give me the chance to explain myself” I said, not moving from my position next to his car.

“I know… I just didn’t realize that-“

“I know you didn’t realize… just like I didn’t realize our relationship lacked complete trust until I had to see it this morning on my stairs, wearing hot running clothes claiming to be named ‘Lucy’.” I said looking at his how slumped head.

“I’m sorry I forgot to tell you about that-“ he said, looking up at me. He still wasn’t realizing that he had done exactly what I had supposedly done to him. We stood there for a moment, racking things around in our brains.

“Listen Sidney, I love you, you know that… but I clearly aren’t enough for you… and I’m sorry but this is as good as it gets. I think that this has given us the chance to realize that maybe we’re not supposed to be together. Maybe we rushed into things… I don’t know but all I know is that this isn’t healthy for either of us, and we shouldn’t be forcing something that isn’t meant to be”

I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. I had nothing left to say. I wasn’t enough and never would be. I couldn’t put Sidney through with me any longer.

Since I wasn’t getting a response from Sidney, I took it as my Queue to leave. I looked at him once last time, seeing him looking away, with what I figured to me little tears filling his eyes.


* * *

I drove around aimlessly for an hour, trying to make sure I was giving Sidney enough time to get home and leave for diesel. I parked my car, and unlocked the front door quietly, coming instantly with face to face with Sidney; shoulders slumped, on the stairs.

He looked up at me; his eyes puffy and red, and I bit my lip to keep from falling into his warm embrace. I tiptoed up the stairs and grabbed a small bag and stuffed my few belongings into it.

I picked up my now suspiciously opened photo album and tucked it under my arm as I made my way downstairs. I looked at a numb Sidney and couldn’t stand to be here with him anymore… I was going to fall apart.

I threw my stuff in the car and picked up my cell phone as I drove aimlessly out of the small suburb. I dialed Megan’s number four times, hanging up every time it hit the message machine.

I placed my phone back on top of my photo album and realized there was only one more place I could go.

My feet sunk into the slightly wet grass as I made my way across the tomb-covered cemetery. I found his grave and lightly
brushed my hand across his name. I unfolded the blanket I took from the bed at home and settled down on top of it, covering myself with another blanket, drinking in the star covered midnight sky.



“Dad?... I don’t think there’s a prince out there for me like you said there would be…”

4 comments:

  1. no comments here... Ladies of In More Places then One... Divert to Brainstorming!

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  2. Awww. So sad! Sidney wtf? Go after her you dumb ass!

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  3. Wow, this was heartbreaking!! Sid is being such a jerk right now!!! He could have stopped her from leaving but perhaps he is just more interested in his new running partner now!!

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  4. is it strange that i am near tears? cuz i am

    ReplyDelete